I normally get seriously depressed once a year. When I was in varsity I used to say, I always crack meaning that generally I’m always contained but even with being so contained it gets to the point I crack. The cracks were deepest in scenarios whereby I wouldn’t go anywhere for vac, so I always figured it was the whole thing of not seeing family/people who love me. My cracks generally have a timing, normally its September.. and it is ALWAYS September. I just start of frequent moodswings, just basically feeling alone and unhappy. I also have this thing of being sooooooooooo happy then getting really sad. I think last year this time I did a quiz and it said I was severely depressed. The quiz basically said i had manic depression. But tbh, I don’t pay attention to such things… It was just an online quiz.
I have a constant need of wanting to be loved. It doesn’t really matter to me whether I love you back but I just want you to love me. The need to be loved is actually worse when I love you, as it is at that point i need reassurance that you’re here and you love me back. When i don’t get that, I feel broken.. but again, I think everyone is like that yeah?.
You see, I have issues. I’m not a bad person but at the same time I’m not a good person. Sometimes I feel that my negatives exceed the positives &it is because these negatives are greater the people who love me tend to leave. They always leave or basically stop or reduce loving me.
Basically, I’m on the verge of cracking. Was actually thinking how that song “Nobody’s home” by Avril Lavigne makes so much sense right now. I feel quite broken to be honest. It’s like I’m going through all these thoughts with regards to running away but then I know I won’t do it because where the fuck would I go anyways. &Really, am I prepared to starve? My idea of running away basically involves me making everyone else who makes me feel like shit basically feel like shit. Which goes back to when i said I’m really not that good of a person.
Overall, the cracks have started to show and I feel like the ones this year are the deepest.